Topic: Essays about finding yourself again
May 23, 2019 / By Juliette Question:
I cannot handle being complimented anymore.
It is not a modest thing. . like what most people do. For example when you tell someone they are beautiful, they say no, but they know it`s true.
I have always had a problem with the way I look. I`m a very androgynous boy, which means physically I blur the line between male and female. People usually mistake me more for a girl than recognize me for a boy. I used to be okay with it, occasionally having to correct people about my gender.
I always got mixed reactions from it. Some people (usually boys) would get almost insulted to find out that I was a boy, and others would be thrilled. I never understood the logic.
Up until High School it was okay. In my Primary School the boys and girls were given separate uniforms, I was teased sometimes but it was childish. In High School however, we were free to wear whatever we wanted. My fashion mainly consists of jumpers or cardigans, baggy things, since they keep me warm and I have a skinny body. Since there was no real way to tell what gender I was without tugging my pants down, I had people asking me or bringing it up. Some people thought I was a lesbian, because I wore boy-ish clothes and had short hair. Some labelled me immediately as gay because I looked feminine. The bullies were the worst.
If they saw me going towards the toilets, they would stop me, and tell me to use the girl`s toilets. Physically barring the door or shoving me away from it. I was already shy and introverted so the bullying didn`t help, eventually I just stopped drinking before school and only went to the toilet during class. They would also do the same for the gym, barring me from the boys locker room saying I belonged in the girls, stealing my kit from me, and physical abuse if I so much as spoke back to them.
They adopted nick-name`s for me, like Ladyboy or derogative term for a gay man, and even though they were just stupid names, they cut me so deep.
I stopped taking the bus to school because their bullying became harsher, more frequent, and more violent. I stopped going out at lunch and just secretly ate in the library. Eventually, I quit school.
Their relentless torture has made me hate the way I look now. I don`t go out anymore in case I see one of the bullies, or get mistaken for a girl again. I can`t stand looking in the mirror or taking a shower, anything that makes me see myself. People compliment me, call me pretty, cute, but it just feels like a lie to me. It makes me so angry. Some nights I dream of standing in the mirror and clawing my face off with my nails, it`s graphic and disgusting and it`s really starting to get to me. I feel sick when I see a mirror, like my stomach has sunk into a cold pit, and my heart beat begins to race. Any reflective surface, I turn my eyes away. I can`t bare to look at myself.
A friend suggested I bulk up, try some weights, so that people can tell I`m a boy, but I`m not really a work out guy. . I belong in books and computers, not a gym.
So that`s my long boring story, and I`m sorry for writing out an essay.
But do you think this kind of. . physical hatred is normal after what I went through? Or am I just too freaking sensitive?
Thank you for taking the time to read it all if you did. Again, I`m sorry.
Glory | 3 days ago
I think it's normal for what you went through. Don't try anything to make yourself meet the standards of others. If you completely block out what others have said and just look at yourself do you like what you see? Try to judge yourself without looking through the eyes of the bullies. Most importantly don't let anyone control your life, those bullies don't deserve the satisfaction of ruining your life, if you just quit school and you're not doing anything with your life they win, they'll move on and grow up and forget about you while you're still hiding at home. Get out and ignore mean people, they don't deserve your time, try to meet people that you can relate to and go out in a group. If you consider yourself androgynous and you enjoy that (minus the thoughts of bullies) find people like you online, you're not some freak of nature, highschoolers just know how to make anyone that doesn't fit a mold feel like one.
And if you really hate the way you look, change it but do it for you not to impress others, also see a therapist it should help.
Don't let them say you ain't beautiful they can all get f***ed just stay true to you.... This is what Eminem say in the song beautiful and I completely agree with him.
No matter what sexuality gender colour you are, you are a human being, not even animals should be treated in such manner.
I know your pain, I am not sure if you have heard of Abercrombie and Fitch, well I worked there as a floor model and honestly I got tired of looking the way they wanted me to and presenting the stupid image of the brand so one day I decided, enough is enough...I quit-I know that this comes as nothing with what you might be feeling but .... Trust me when I say I have been there. I know the feeling of trying to fit in and being someone you are not....
For nearly 2 years now I have battled bulimia and anorexia.... don't get me wrong I wasn't fat before but I wasn't size 0 and some photographers would sugget of being size0 -this is seen as the perfect size...so what I did is starved myself for days until I fainted... To cut long story short, at end of the day I don't blame the people or photographers who suggested to me to lose weight I blame myself for trying to be what they wanted me to be...Anyways I am fine now, but enough about me- With my story I just want to tell you that why try to fit in when you are born to stand out.... You are unique and special ..Look at lady gaga for example
those little boys have some major ego problems hence why they make you feel bad so they can feel better about themselves...
Just be who you are and don't let it get to you- gay staight male or female ....u are not alone there are many people out there like u.
Btw seek help cause you might develop depression and body dysmorphia and with that comes illnesses like anorexia bulimia and many other horrible things like self harming.
Hope you feel better and just remember what doesn't kill you makes your stronger and learn to forgive... These guys probably have other problems like abusive alcoholic dad or other family problems cause even though they are mean to u, I am sure they are that way cause of something. They perhaps portray this image of an Alfa male but trust me there is so much more underneath that facede....although that doesn't justify their actions.
B4 all that started how did u feel about urself? It's a cruel world so its up to ourselves to stay strong. U know who u r and there are always accepting people. Plus just wait n c where those mean people end up n life. Ull probably hv a Bttr 1 w/0a doubt:)
I like it, it gives you that aura of mystery, like what was so bad that suicide seemed like a better alternative?! I thought about getting a slit wrist tattoo. I don't like needles, so that kinda didn't work out.