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Do you think a marriage can survive an affair?

Do you think a marriage can survive an affair? Topic: What does the sister wives husband do for work
May 22, 2019 / By Jonquil
Question: Long story short, I cheated on my husband. I moved out shortly after wards because he was angry and because I really didn't know what else to do. Well, we've reconciled now and I moved back in about 3 months ago. He's still very angry (understandably) and I am constantly guilt ridden. I have nightmares and days when I am just basically depressed. I really don't know what to do. I've apologized countless times, but I know that that really doesn't make it any better. He lashes out at me sometimes and other times he gets upset (not angry, mind you just upset) that I feel so guilty and tells me that I need to stop feeling so bad about it so that he can feel better. We've been to therapy before (and before any of this happened) and he refuses to go back. I'm thankful that he took me back and that we are still married but I sometimes wonder if we'll ever get over this. Has anyone been in a similar position? Did the marriage work? Please no harsh comments, I know what I did was wrong and I am deeply ashamed for hurting my husband this way. I highly doubt I can get him back in therapy. We went together for about a month, the therapist started wanting us to discuss our upbringings and how they contributed to our expectations as adults. My husband said he refuses to talk to a stranger (his words, not mine) about how he was raised and that was pretty much the end of it. Again, this was before I cheated. To the person who recommended the book-I will definitely look into that and I have already looked into going into individual therapy and intend to do so. Unfortunately, I cannot completely cut off contact with the person who I cheated with. He is the father of my son. However, I never talk to him behind my husband's back. I only text him when absolutely necessary (and only concerning our child). I also told my husband that he is welcome to look at any of these text messages (which he does). Was it worth it? Hell no. It could have been the best sex of my life (which it wasn't) and it still would not have been worth it.
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Best Answers: Do you think a marriage can survive an affair?

Genista Genista | 1 day ago
Yes, it can. I cheated on my husband. It's not something I am proud to admit or that I tell people-because honestly it's none of their business. My husband knows the guy I was with because we were all friends. At the time my husband and I were having stupid problems and I felt like he was more involved in the game that he played then he was in me and instead of dealing with how I was feeling I turned to the guy friend and started to listen to him. At one point I would say that I loved him but honestly I didn't. He filled the void that I wasn't getting in my own relationship. I take full blame for it but my husband won't let me. But yeah, eh umm wanted to work things out and I didn't and it took him actually moving out of the house and me talking to a co-worker (her husband cheated on her, and they are MUCH better than where they were before.) But it took talking to her, understanding how she feels to understand how my husband feels for it to all click. This was about 3 years ago. Since then, my husband and I have talked about things. About everything really, how long it was going on for etc. I was the one who pulled the plug and told the guys wife and all of that. One messy drama. But My husband and I worked through things, we moved away, started our lives over and we are honestly stronger and closer now than we ever were before. And we're expecting our first child in about 6 weeks give or take. My husband didn't talk about how he was feeling. Oh he told me how he feels for me and all of that, but never really talked about my affair and that sort of thing. I had to bring it up. There came a point where he's like, it's done, it's over with, I know you are sorry but let's move on. And I couldn't. He knew everything but I felt like scum I was the one who couldn't get over it and it did take time. We didn't instantly become stronger. Things were awkward, things were hard. I felt guilty (as I should) he felt hurt but we got through it. My sister volunteered to pay for us to see a counselor (money was tight for us) but we decided not to. We worked through it and I am forever grateful that he was able to forgive me. I don't keep things from him, I tell him everything. Sometimes a bit too much but we're stronger for what we went through then we ever were before. But I wouldn't recommand cheating to get that close to someone. Not something I will ever repeat. But it's only been 3 months. Give it time. Take one day at a time. And even if he doesn't want to talk about it, you have to talk about it because that's how you will get over it all and the two of you can make amends. Again he won't want to talk about it but tell him you have to so that the two of you can move on. Tell him why you cheated, why it ended-did you end that relationship or did the other guy? Whatever just talk to him and then put it to rest and move forward. He is getting upset because he wants to move forward but feels like you are holding you both back with your guilt. Will you ever be over your guilt? No, probably not. But you will move on from it and it will eventually be a distant memory. Does it ever go away completely? No, sometimes out of the blue it will sneak up on you. But look to the future not the past.
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Genista Originally Answered: I had an affair. How do I salvage my marriage?
well before you keep trying to get her back, i think you should ask yourself first if you really want to be together because if she said shes been unhappy for 2 years, and you cheated then ther has got to be an issue with you both. i think you should try giving it a little time, although it may be hard, because maybe thats what you both need. and obviously she loves you too if shes so upset about it. saying sorry wont do anything, because their only words. you have to do something to prove to her that you love her and you dont want to lose her. and she should understand that if you acuse her of seeing other gu ys your jealous. which is good because it shows that you actually care. not talkng for two weeks is a good idea. but if youre friends with somebody that shes friends with, you should have them kep checking on her to make shure shes okay.. instead of texting her over and over again i think maybe you should wait a little, then write her like a letter to meet in person, or a text. bcause if shes just gonna fight over texting shes kind of immiture. but anyway, i think you should maybe get her flowers and remind her how much you love her and you keep thinking about her and maybe you kind of wanted to know if she was the one for you, so thats kind of why you cheated [that shell need an explanation for] and then you should tell her that youl agree to marrige councling or something to make it work, and if that doesnt then it just wasnt meant to be.

Delice Delice
I'm sorry, you're both hurt...I think no, sometimes in most cases a marriage won't survive an affair. It's wrong as you know, but think about it, how could you stand knowing you weren't good enough and the other person had to have another. You'de be so insecure and just feel awful. Thinking everyday "What if they're doing it again". Apologizes are apologizes. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do. You both need to get some time away from each other. Figure yourself out. Figure out what you want and if you want the same things. Then go for it.
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Bryana Bryana
Yes in answer to your questions marriages do survive affairs. I certainly does take time and it also helps that it does not happen again. You have reconciled--that a good thing. You two have been to counseling--that's also a major plus. If he is telling you to stop beating your self up and that will also make him feel better--I think that you should start working really hard in doing that. There are going to be times that your husband does have his moments of being upset. Anyone that feels betrayed is going to feel that way--you seem as though you understand that. I think the best thing for YOU is focus on your marriage. He is probably not willing to go back to counseling because he knows that you two can work it out yourself--and from what you have said--I believe that you two can also. Don't beat a dead horse in continuously apologizing. That chapter in your life/marriage is over--move on
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Allana Allana
Its this simple. Less any GOOD therapy all the structural defects which led to your banging some other guy still exist. You did not stay around to face the anger and deal with the pain you inflicted. You have yet to put any plan in place top rebuild the destroyed trust. The memory of the pain will not go away without some effort. In short, you have done nothing to repair the problems. My most heartfelt advice is this, BUY THIS BOOK. "After The Affair" by Janis Spring. about $10.00 on Amazon and worth ten times that. It is proper reading for both of you. This will give you a basis for continuing. I don't know what type of therapy you did but I do not understand his refusal to return. Did you drag him to your individual counselor where he got jumped on? Get that book and get to work. One thing for sure, if you don't do something positive to rebuild trust (in the book) and start paying an appropriate cost for his reconciling you are doomed to repeat it. Maybe many years from now but it will happen. The reality is that many couples survive infidelity but do not advertise that he/she was banging someone else. The problem is avoiding doing the correct repair. Your shame only goes so far and the two of you are doing nothing to deal with the breakdown in the relationship. It takes about two years to get this incident out of the headlights and well behind you. Get ready because it takes a LONG time to get anywhere near normal again. Do you understand now how destructive it is? You have probaly delivered the greatest pain available to someone you professed to love. You have a lot of penance to pay. There are a lot of people who will say he must forgive you. It is far too early for that. There is also a book on Forgiveness but I cannot find my copy to site. Long and short, there are four states of forgiveness. No forgiveness, forgive too easily, acceptance and true forgiveness. The first two are a recipe for divorce. That's right, forgive too soon and you are divorced later. The cost was not paid. Acceptance is a state which exists without forgiveness but allows for work. The key here is the work to repair the damage. It takes years to build trust and a few moments to destroy it. It takes longer to rebuild trust. It can be done but its hard and requires a lot of agony, Many are not willing or prepared to put forth the effort. So the answer is, YES a marriage can recover. The odds are frankly against you. So tells us, was the sex worth it?
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Urian Urian
Well Cheating as you know now will hurt deep down in anyone's life.It don't matter if your marred or not if the person that you love cheat's it will always hit where it hurts the most.& make Trust a very difficult thing to get back from someone.It seem to me that your husbands biggest nightmare has come true.But he's touching it out cause he still care's about you.If he has taken you back its cause he cares .But in the back of his mind now & angin he thinks what can he do to make his thoughts of what happen with you & someone else go away.Best thing to do is show love to him Every chance you get & trust too.& if he asks you ?s of what happen answer them.So he can put his thoughts to rest.But if he doesn't want to talk about it.Leave it alone.He knows what he's doing.Just whatever you do don't ever cheat angin.Cause that maybe be the very end to you & his marriage.He will have alot of anger But only time Trust & real love will make that anger go away.Your a luck woman cause most people don't ever get a second chance.Realize what an affair can do to 2 people's marriage.Good luck I wish the very best to you & your marriage.
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Urian Originally Answered: XYZ Affair?
XYZ Affair is the name usually given to an incident (1797-98) in Franco-American diplomatic relations. The United States had in 1778 entered into an alliance with France, but after the outbreak of the French Revolutionary Wars was both unable and unwilling to lend aid. The anti-French Federalists gained the upper hand in the United States, and there was considerable antagonism toward France, particularly after the Gen-t affair. The conclusion (1795) of Jay's Treaty with England, which partially vitiated the agreements with France, aroused French anger. Numerous American ships were seized by French privateers, and the countries drifted into a mutually hostile attitude. President Washington sent Charles Cotesworth Pinckney as minister to France, but the French government refused to receive him. Shortly afterward John Adams, the new President, sent (1797) John Marshall and Elbridge Gerry to join Pinckney on a peace mission to France. This three-man commission was immediately confronted by the refusal of French foreign minister Charles Maurice de Talleyrand to receive it officially. Indirect suggestions of loans and bribes to France were made to the commissioners through Mme de Villette, a friend of Talleyrand. Negotiations were carried on through her with Jean Conrad Hottinguer and Lucien Hauteval, both Swiss, and a Mr. Bellamy, an American banker in Hamburg; the three were designated X, Y, and Z in the mission's dispatches to the United States. The proposal that the Americans pay Talleyrand about $250,000 before the French government would even deal with them created an uproar when it was released in the United States, where the pro-British party welcomed the chance to worsen Franco-American relations. The U.S. representatives made no progress and the mission broke up, Marshall coming home, Pinckney taking a sick daughter to S France, and Gerry, a Republican and Francophile, remaining in France temporarily. Meanwhile, an undeclared naval war ensued between France and the United States. Both Talleyrand and President Adams wished to avoid a declaration of war. In 1799 Adams, to the intense disgust of the Federalist leader, Alexander Hamilton, named William Vans Murray the U.S. minister to France and assigned Oliver Ellsworth and William Richardson Davie to accompany him. The result was the Treaty of Mortefontaine (Sept. 30, 1800), known as the Convention of 1800, a commercial agreement that improved relations between the two nations. The XYZ Affair contributed to American patriotic legend in the reply Pinckney is supposed to have made to a French request for money, "Millions for defense, sir, but not one cent for tribute." This reply was certainly not made, but a better case can be made for the alternate version, "No, no, not a sixpence".

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