What do you think about my story? Be honest and give USEFUL advice!:)?

What do you think about my story? Be honest and give USEFUL advice!:)? Topic: Age of the sister wives
May 24, 2019 / By Jerusha
Question: What I mean by helpful advice is constructive criticism, not just ''that's stupid.'' Because that doesn't help me at all. This is just a basic outline of the story I'm thinking of writing. Do you think it's good enough? Please read on! STORY OUTLINE: Devin, a 25 year old solider returning from war after a serious injury, is trying to adjust to life the ''new'' way. His young pregnant wife is trying to help, but doesn't understand how he feels and it isn't working. Long after his physical injuries have healed, his mental recovery has just begun. Continuing therapyy while trying to find a job and preparing for a new baby, Devin discovers things he never realized before. Like he's not alone and there's others like him who understand what he's going through and WANT to help. It isn't going to be easy for him or anyone around him, but it can happen-with a little help and lots of love. Also: Who should narrate it? Devin? The wife (unsure of name at the moment)? Should theySWITCH narratives? And what do you HONESTLY think of the story line? Be brutally honest but like I said before, don't just be rude or mean. Give me real and helpful advice. This is just the basics and I really have none of the details, like what type of ''injuries'' Devin receives. Any suggestions would be welcome!:) BTW: I'm only 13 but don't just say ''It's good for your age.'' Talk to me like I'm an adult please. Thanks! A Shout Out To The Write Brain: There is going to be a LOT happening, trust me. This, like I said, is just the basics. Still working on details!:) And of course we all have different tastes! To Everyone Who Has Answered So Far: I'm going to start researching soon! I can't actually personally go to a vets hospital, obviously but I'm looking up personal accounts from vets and finding out a lot of things! But thanks anyway!:)
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Best Answers: What do you think about my story? Be honest and give USEFUL advice!:)?

Florence Florence | 2 days ago
Brutal honesty? You shouldn't even try to write this story from Devin's point of view, as you're completely and utterly ignorant of such a life and have no hope of faking it. Any such attempt would just be you making use of someone else's work, seen on television or read in a book. Ultimately a mockery of such veterans, as you'd be using them for cheap melodrama. Do you honestly think you can fake a halfway decent account of this? Of what someone goes through coming back from war? Of the hundred little details that would make such an account ring true to the reader? Minutiae about Afghanistan and the hospitals? Or would we just get a bunch of cliches instead of the honest brutal truth that people expect from such war and post war memoirs? You can fake an outsider's view on this. I'm confidant that you're likely to be able to pull off a first person account from the wife's view or a dispassionate outside observer. I have not a shred of belief that you can come close to All Quiet on the Western Front or even Jarhead. I don't believe you can manufacture the type of truths which make such books genius. You want my advice? Write what you are, as that is what you know best. Take the same plot line, but tell it from the viewpoint of a girl of thirteen or less (you've been those ages as well) who observes the whole drama unfolding. Place yourself as the neighbor girl or sister-in-law who has come to visit, help with the new baby, or just gotten dumped by her mother for the summer. Consider how brilliant To Kill A Mockingbird is, because the narrator of the whole thing is an innocent child, speaking in a child's voice of events she saw with a child's eyes. A good gimmick, as then we don't get schmaltzy internal monologues by the participants. This way you're not trying to imagine and understand either a wounded veteran's or a pregnant wife's thoughts and motivations, you're just describing them from the outside as witnessed by someone who is basically you.
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Florence Originally Answered: Can you give me some honest advice?
You are in a really bad spot. I can only say that there is a deeper rooted problem than what you see on the surface. You need to have a very serious and direct conversation with him. BUT, do not approach him with any style you have tried before. Instead, try to learn what is the root problem. I have a hard time believing that he actually wants to be dependent on you for everything. He has a significant self esteem problem right now. He feels like he has no value as a man, and that he isn't doing what a man does. THAT in itself is so hard for a man to feel, and when you approach him about a job, it stings very badly and initiates his defensive behaviors. You have to accept that he may very well have some real emotional problems like depression. He fits the pattern, like how you describe him actually avoiding work. Yes, this is more common than you may realize. When men feel like they are a burden instead of provider, especially after a long time, they begin to decline in assertiveness, they lose motivation, and they even fear the thought of having to be that provider they think they are supposed to be. Your best chance at improving your situation is to tell him that you love him and you want to help him. Tell him you don't think any less of him as a man, and that you still respect him. Tell him that it's ok to feel bad about yourself now and then. Tell him that you believe in him and that you know that things will be ok. Tell him you think about the man he will become and that you want to be a partner in getting him there. Talk to him like you're his FRIEND, not his wife. "so, what's up man?", "what do you think will get you going?", that type of language. Get him to open up about how he is feeling about not working. Let me tell you, I was exactly like him after losing my job and being out of work for over 8 months!! I avoided everything, and did nothing all day...all while my wife worked! I knew I should have been looking for work, helping around the house, but I felt like total crap! Worthless!, like she didn't want me anymore! so, if she asked me to help around the house it only made me feel like ****, and even more worthless. It took a deep reflection into my feelings and a lot of talking and writing things out for me to realize that I was depressed and it effected everything around me. My thoughts, my energy, my body, and so I became lazy, unmotivated, which only made it all worse. Once I realized my mental state was beyond my control, I searched for solutions. I found that music, writing, and opening up about how I felt at different points of the day made me conscious of what I was thinking and how that effected me. Within a week I was re-energized and focused. I went back to work, my confidence was restored, and now I easily spot your situation. You sound like you need help, and I hope that I gave you some insight as to what may be going on with his head. If you want to stay married, then get him to understand his feelings and talk. Get him to write, anything that will make him see himself from outside his current thinking. It saved me, I hope this helps in some way. I wish you the very best, and tell him that he is not alone. There are millions of men in the same boat with him. It's OK for men to need help, god knows I did. Society, unfortunately, makes men believe they cant ever be weak, can't ever be afraid, and so...to avoid the humility of it all, we shut down and close up from everything and put on the mask of "everything is just fine, so leave me alone". Oh the tragic results we face from the unskilled parenting of our fathers. I guess they meant well, but the damage they did will be uncovered for years to come.

Dalinda Dalinda
It's sweet. A little simple, yes, but there is NOTHING wrong with that--there's a place for it in the world of fiction because it works. You'll need more action in the plot for Devin to come to the realizations you have planned, so be prepared for some unexpected bumps and bruises. Do you know the Japanese fairy tale of the crescent moon bear? It's about a young wife whose husband comes home from war different, and how she learns to help him even when she doesn't understand him. That might be some useful research for you in trying to create realistic situations and emotions. Your blurb is written from Devin's POV, but there's no good reason to avoid his wife's POV. Especially if you're a girl--there are different challenges to writing a male POV vs. a pregnant female POV. Devin will have PTSD, obviously, but the extent of his injuries are very much going to depend on how scarred you want him to be once recovery is complete. Will he limp? Never be able to eat pork again? Learn to use a false arm? Be fine on the outside, but gutted on the inside? A friend of a friend has been writing these books called Discarded Heroes (Ronie Kendig) that you might want to look into. They're different from your intended plot, but some of the themes and research will be similar. Being similar to a story on the shelves isn't bad, either. It indicates that you have your finger on the pulse of current publishing trends.
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Blessing Blessing
I do not agree with A. Thomas. You don't have to go through something in order to write a good book (but that would make it ten times better). But, if you do decide to write this, just make sure you know what you're talking about. Research extensively into whatever injury you want your main character to receive, and also the mental process. Only when this is done can you conceive and flush out a warm-hearted story about the hardships of life. Good luck, my friend.
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Airlea Airlea
I have always found value in an alternating narritive. It allows the reader to better understand the ways in which all characters view a particular event, and serves to illustrate the differences in them. The story line is ok. It could be tough for you to convinvingly create that kind of environment in word. And as far as injuries... it depends on how injured you want him...is he missing a leg? Did he lose only his left hand when everyone else in the Humvee he was in died? Does he feel guilty for this? Is he trying to get over losing 3 of his buddies right before they were going to come back home? Good Luck to you!
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Trace Trace
I think you don't have enough life experiences to properly address a story like this. If I were to write a story like this I would visit VA hospitals and find out what sort of injuries and psychological impact the patients have. Make sure you clearly define the overall story goal, i.e. save his marriage. Also make sure there are dire consequences for failure, this makes the story more compelling.
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Trace Originally Answered: Can someone please give me an honest assessment on my short story?
i like it great characters i am in grade 12 and am dreading growing up, i like the cynical view, it is refreshing if i had to find something i didn't like much it would be sometimes the language sounds like the author is trying to put in deep adjectives for the sake of it, i am not sure if they are necessary "euphoric skyline that draped over the jubilant grads" it sounds good but i would personally use more simple language if i made a magazine, i would put this in it and if the story was in a magazine, i would buy it

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