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Read my short writing and correct it?

Read my short writing and correct it? Topic: Story writing applications
July 19, 2019 / By Glenna
Question: Once upon a time, there was a little boy name Tommy Oglethorpe. He lived in palace in Uganda and thought his life style was boring. So one day he decided to conjure up spirits. His mom found out about his abominations and kicked him out. All Tommy had with him are animal crackers. On his was to the bus stop he saw a poster that he just couldn't evade. Someone is going to host a dance contest today and Tommy became intrigued. He went and was bemused at first but decided he should enter. Tommy stole a pogo stick from some one and started break dancing in front of the audience with it. Surprisingly, Tommy was quite good! He thought it was a prodigious sign that he could dance like that. He won one-hundred dollars and with that money he bought a zebra, fish, and kangaroo. He suddenly tripped on a Mr. Potato toy and lied inert on the ground. The next morning he woke up because someone had hit him in the head with a racket ball. Tommy was perplexed to see that he was still alive. The person who hit Tommy said "sorry" in a sarcastic manner and ran of. Tommy decided to go apologize to his mom about his base behavior. He appeared at the door with signs of pallor on his face. Tommy's mother condemned him of his unusual actions and threatened to make the situation an anarchy if it ever happens again. I want to join the Yearbook Staff at my school and I have to submit an essay, short story, or personal writing with the application. Tell me my grammatical and punctuational errors please! And tell me if you liked it or not! Thanks =]
Best Answer

Best Answers: Read my short writing and correct it?

Desirae Desirae | 1 day ago
There are alot of grammatical mistakes, but I'm not going to bother fixing them, because truthfull, you need to rewrite this. It's pretty clear that you used a thesaurus to find 'big' words - those words aren't used extremely well and just confuse the intended meaning of what you are trying to say. Take any words that you couldn't define yourself and put in simple words - that's the number one rule, Keep It Simple. Always use the simplest language you can, but in a good way. Also, no story should start with 'Once upon a time' unless it is a classic fairytale. You need to be more creative without being complicated. And the story has no real plot, just a random series of events that isn't interesting to the reader. Try again.
👍 130 | 👎 1
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Desirae Originally Answered: Is this good enough writing to win a scholarship? very short 3 min read, plz critique it?
It may be creative writing but all writing adheres to certain formulas and guidelines. What struck me immediately was the seemingly run on way you presented this as though the reader would be breathless by the end. It needs work, and I'm being kind. Not at all knowing what grade level this is written in or what in the world a scholarship would be awarded for, I suggest, as presented, no it isn't worthy of a scholarship. That isn't to say it's trash, but it certainly needs maturity.
Desirae Originally Answered: Is this good enough writing to win a scholarship? very short 3 min read, plz critique it?
I think you should include the translation for ting hua. Anyway, It is a good article but not very good that it can surely get you the scholarship. You can write and I give you that but some of the paragraphs just have the same theme and structure. You avoid comparing yourself with birds and say that they're more capable than you could ever be. The thing that drops you most here is that instead of selling yourself you've managed to actually prove that your life is boring and that you have not value in your strengths. It's quiet depressing to read actually. But you could do much better and I know that because you have the potential to be a really good writer.

Camille Camille
Once upon a time, there was a little boy name Tommy Oglethorpe. He lived in a palace in Uganda and thought his life style was boring. One day Tommy decided to conjure up his spirits. His mom found out about his abominations and kicked him out, all Tommy had with him were animal crackers. On his way to the bus stop he saw a poster that he just couldn't evade, someone was going to host a dance contest today and Tommy became intrigued. He went and was bemused at first, but decided he should enter. Tommy stole a pogo stick from someone and started break dancing in front of the audience with it. Surprisingly, Tommy was quite good! He thought it was a prodigious sign that he could dance like that. He won one-hundred dollars and with that money he bought a zebra, a fish, and a kangaroo. He suddenly tripped on a Mr. Potato toy and lied inert on the ground. The next morning he woke up because someone had hit him in the head with a racket ball. Tommy was perplexed to see that he was still alive. The person who hit Tommy said "sorry" in a sarcastic manner and ran of. Tommy decided to go apologize to his mom about his bad behavior. He appeared at the door with signs of pallor on his face. Tommy's mother condemned him of his unusual actions and threatened to make the situation an anarchy if it ever happened again. There are parts in your story that you jump around too much. Like how did tommy come to trip on a potato head, then get hit with a racket ball on the head? Maybe a little more information in the story would help.
👍 50 | 👎 -8

Amabel Amabel
I've always enjoyed playing sports and over the past few years(1) I've tried many different ones, such as sailing, rowing, horse riding and tennis.(2) However, my favourite sport is fencing which I've been practising for five (3) years; my weapons are sword and foil. I also love hiking on mountain tracks and climbing. I am also very interested in drama(5). I have acted (5) in many shows with my high school drama company. My other hobbies are riding my motorbike and travelling. I've visited many countries: China, Iceland, Tunisia,... 1. In these years - better as over the past few years. 2. Sentence shortened. 3. Numbers under 10 should be given in full. 4. Change of tense here. By the way practising is correct - use 's' with the verb - to practise and 'c' with the noun - a common practice and spelling is fine as you are writing in English, not American English.
👍 50 | 👎 -17

Amabel Originally Answered: Could someone please correct my short text?
.....often get bored and .........during the summer vacation. Get a summer job, it'll keep you busy and you'll earn money. You will also meet new people and make new friends. If you are not old enough to get a summer job, ask your parents if you could go to work with them. ......offered during the summer, day camps...... In conclusion there are so many ways to occupy your time in the summer, camping, reading, or just imagining all the possibilities, the summer wont be long enough to fit them all in.

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