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Childhood abuse help? Girlfriend?

Childhood abuse help? Girlfriend? Topic: How to start writing a discussion paper
June 26, 2019 / By Dorean
Question: I have a question...if you could help, I'd appreciate it. Quick Background: I just started dating this wonderful girl. I found out that she was abused (sexually) multiple times for about 4years, while she was a child. She just started remembering this about 3years ago when she had to write a paper about her childhood for school. Recently, we have had further discussions, and she told me that sometimes she pushes me away because the "little girl" inside of her, is just trying to see if I will still be there for her "at the end of the day." The "little girl" inside of her will say things that the "big girl" does not believe, but she says them anyway. The "big girl" recognizes this. I'm not quite sure what to think. I'm guessing that I need to try and love both girls, and show the little girl that I will be there for her??? How can I do This???? Here is what I read: I read about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), is it possible that she might have this? She doesn't walk around talking to herself or anything...its just that sometimes she becomes the "little girl." She is actually very, very well integrated into a normal life. She is driven, has her degree, and lives out her passions. We both believe in Jesus and we are trying to get through this. She is looking into counseling again...but is there any other advice from the friendly people on Yahoo? Thanks a bunch
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Best Answers: Childhood abuse help? Girlfriend?

Cassia Cassia | 10 days ago
I'd just say that when that little girl in her shows herself, be there for her. When she feels things that the little girl is feeling, talk to her about it, or at least listen and try to talk it out. When the 'big girl' recognizes it, you should try to also. What I mean by that is that if she says something that obviously sounds like a little girl, talk to the little girl first and then the big girl. You both need to realize and understand that even though it sounds and feels like there are two people here, it's only one person and that's all she's got. One life, one heart, one world. Not two. If she can find herself in the big girl, and compare it to the little girl, (like now and then) she should be able to start getting through it better. Counseling didn't work for me, because I knew they were only hearing me out for a paycheck. I went through something similar as a child (not sexual, emotional and mental) and I needed love, not questions from a shrink to help me through it. Sounds like she has someone to lean on and talk to, and love her, and that's the most important thing.
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Cassia Originally Answered: How to overcome the traumatic stress of childhood abuse?
There is an affect within the brain in which certain memories are strengthened by either of two mental processes: fear and desire. Fear incapsulates dislike, disgust, anxiety etc. Desire incapsulates wanting, imagining, relating etc. In both cases, the mental processes strengthen the memory they relate to. E.g., you have a hot new bf, but he's way better looking and smarter than you. You imagine that he'd find hotter smarter girls more interesting, and you fear this. Therefore, you imagine many scenarios and cogitate about the whole thing. This strengthens the idea that your bf might leave you: every imagining of fearful thoughts grow the network of neurons relating to this idea; therefore, the brain becomes conditioned to return to these thoughts. This is different in the sense that you have suffered physical torture at the hands of an older male. However, the process of trying to deal with the memories or deal with the machinations and dreams is strengthening the whole network of memories. Any network of memories (such as being tortured or being sexually pleasured) if left alone will eventually fade like handwriting fades in sunlight. The attempt to escape from these dreams & daydreams is making the whole thing grow like a snowball grows when it rolls down hill. At the root of the problem is that you have decided pain is bad (psychologically), therefore, in that light, you've decided that what your father did to you is a great source of anguish. Putting this in another light. I studied Ju Jitsu (the Japanese martial art like Judo but with strikes, kicks, throws, joint locks, scratching, gouging etc). My instructor was very careful to show us how dangerous many of the techniques were, and he made sure that e.g., with joint locks, we each experienced what it felt like to take a joint lock to it's maximum i.e., at the greatest extension possible without causing physical muscle tears etc. We loved learning Ju Jitsu, and experiencing pain became a challenge: each time, we'd become more relaxed, and thus be able to take more extension of the joints. The way in which you frame the events of the past matters: when you frame them as awful and exploitary and violent and bad,, you'll seek psychological escape from them.
Cassia Originally Answered: How to overcome the traumatic stress of childhood abuse?
Struggling with the aftermath of traumatic experiences can be very difficult to go through. It is great that you are taking a step to reach out for support. Working with a therapist can be helpful in dealing with all of the thoughts and feelings that you have been having and many universities in the states do have counseling centers that would be willing to talk to you. Please know that there are people who can and will help you with what you are going through. You may want to consider talking with a counselor at a hotline in the short term. There are many hotlines that are 24/7 and will work with you and situations like yours. Some even have email and/or chat if you would prefer. Hopefully, you will continue to reach out! Sincerely, FM, Counselor

Ann Ann
Wow. You have to tread lightly here. IF you are serious about this young woman and are devoted to her, then you will definitely not want to push anything of a sexual nature on her. Pressure of that sort could cause a psychotic break if she is as fragile as you seem to think she might be. Yes, counseling seems to be very much indicated here. For both of you. FIrstly for her as an individual, then possibly with you coming in on it. You have got to realize that she has probably had to withdraw in a sense from reality, when she was the 'little girl' and now, anytime she feels even slightly threatened or just even a little insecure, it brings back those feelings of helplessness and all. I would, personally, suggest that she take a personal self-defense class. THIS would really go a LONG way in her being able to assert herself as a woman who is NOT powerless against men. It would also make her just a little bit safer when out in the world if something ever DID happen to her . (I think its great for ALL women, personally ) But in HER case, I think it is highly called for. Finding her Voice, shouting " NO!!" would do sooo much for her!! I truly hope that your feelings for this young woman continue to grow and that you are able to make a future together. But, even if she doesn't end up with you, having a friend as caring and concerned as you are is a real treasure.
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Win Win
Bad Childhood--Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood Dr. Laura Schlessinger http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Bad-Childhood-Good-Life/Laura-Schlessinger/e/9780641893902/?itm=9 \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\...
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Win Originally Answered: What can I expect from EMDR therapy for childhood sexual abuse?
This is what you can expect in EMDR therapy: One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR therapy involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). In this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need. In phase 2 you learn how to access a “Safe or Calm Place” which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. One of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you weren’t in the past, during traumatic events. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate – measure and adjust the balance or “dose“ of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular “breaks” and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what you’re noticing, anything different, any changes. The breaks help keep a “foot in the present” while you’re processing the past. Again, and I can’t say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR therapy techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources. I'm a psychologist who uses EMDR therapy as my primary psychotherapy treatment and I've also personally had EMDR therapy for anxiety, panic, grief, and “small t” trauma. As a client, EMDR worked extremely well and also really fast. As an EMDR therapist, and in my role as a facilitator who trains other therapists in EMDR therapy (certified by the EMDR International Association and trained by the EMDR Institute, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) I have used EMDR therapy successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, bad dreams, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning. EMDR therapy has a ton of excellent research behind it validating its efficacy. Grounding exercises are essential. You can use some of the techniques in Dr. Shapiro's new book "Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR." Dr. Shapiro is the founder/creator of EMDR but all the proceeds from the book go to two charities: the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program and the EMDR Research Foundation). The book is an easy read, helps you understand what's "pushing" your feelings and behavior, helps you connect the dots from past experiences to current life. Also gives lots of really helpful ways that are used during EMDR therapy to calm disturbing thoughts and feelings. In addition to my therapy practice, I roam the web looking for EMDR therapy discussions, try to answer questions about it posted by clients/patients, and respond to the critics out there. It's not a cure-all therapy, however, it really is an extraordinary psychotherapy and its results last. In the hands of a really experienced EMDR therapist, it's the most gentle way of working through disturbing experiences. And, BTW, The World Health Organization has published Guidelines for the management of conditions that are specifically related to stress. Trauma-focused CBT and EMDR are the only psychotherapies recommended for children, adolescents and adults with PTSD. “Like CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR therapy aims to reduce subjective distress and strengthen adaptive cognitions related to the traumatic event. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): This therapy is based on the idea that negative thoughts, feelings and behaviours are the result of unprocessed memories. The treatment involves standardized procedures that include focusing simultaneously on (a) spontaneous associations of traumatic images, thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations and (b) bilateral stimulation that is most commonly in the form of repeated eye movements. Like CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR aims to reduce subjective distress and strengthen adaptive beliefs related to the traumatic event. Unlike CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR does not involve (a) detailed descriptions of the event, (b) direct challenging of beliefs, (c) extended exposure, or (d) homework.” (p.1) (Geneva, WHO, 2013)

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