Topic: Drag it out of them turn in homework
July 21, 2019 / By Desdemona Question:
I wrote them quite quickly for some English homework but overall do they sound okay?
I slipped away. Slipped away from society and its cruel, twisted ways. Humanity sucks you into a never ending abyss, drags you down deeper and deeper until your head is a smoky, starless night. Until you can’t hear anything apart from the voices, screaming at you to surrender and abandon all that you have. And if you don’t have anything, you lose.
It’s two in the morning. Police and paramedics infest the house, roaring orders at one another and obeying. Backup, blood, Ice, stained, noise, blood, oxygen, bleeding, blood, gone. Go away. No one sees me as I blend with the shadows that camouflage the corner of this bloodstained cage. Through the mist, there is a silhouette of a body, a woman. It’s hard to make her out as she is disappearing in waterfalls which leak out her poignant but crystal emerald eyes. She didn't know anything was wrong. My stone eyes move towards an agitated body caressing the woman, a man. He is gazing into the emeralds, whispering to them, soft words. Words of comfort. She gazes back, still leaking the cascade. They talk to each other, console and share emotions, then they turn to me. Even through the vague light, I can see their gaze, it haunts me. Like it was my fault. Any second now they will tell me that I was the trigger, or that I could have stopped it. Only once have I witnessed this stare before, when I took my dog out for a walk, he came back a morsel of soft flesh. It was an accident, he got off the leash and ran in front of a million ton lorry. The vision haunts my dreams, but this is a replacement. A worse replacement. A darker, crueler replacement of hell.
Camilla | 1 day ago
I like the second paragraph... that really grabbed me. the first one is romantically dramatic, but I think it would serve you better to do a Quinton T here and reverse it..
The crystaly emerald waterfall is all a bit confusing. I do like the stone eyes... Not sure you mean a morsel of soft flesh... That sounds like a nice dinner...or a small bite of a filet mignon. Not the horrific dream wrecker... "I returned carring the remains that were still attached to the leash" or "that could be scraped off the grill of a Lorry and ironically put into a doggie bag from a restaurant that we happened to be passing"
The only thing would be, are the paramedics infesting the house....or would they be swarming the house. To me an infestation is something that happens over time, slowly and in the dark…you don’t really know it has happened until it is too late. (Think Roaches) A swarm is more violent, noisy and unyielding. (Think Bees) I think the imagery of a swarm would be a little bit better suited for your story. But that is just me.
Otherwise its amazing!
this is really good, it's very engaging and there is a great use of descriptive words. You also create a great atmosphere. you should really consider going it to writing professionally