Happy v sad - sibling count?
Topic: The sisters brothers word count
July 19, 2019 / By Deeann Question:
I was perusing the insanity of Y!AA, and had a thought...
...are the "happy adoptees" those who grew up with/without siblings, while the "ungrateful adoptees" are those that grew up without/with siblings?
G'wan, make sense of the question - I dare ya! :p
@jcajun52...: Not always which, any, either, all, none, or neither?
Best Answers: Happy v sad - sibling count?
Brittny | 7 days ago
I am categorically "unhappy" as typically classed in the 'sets' found here on Y!AA. While, IRL, I spend a great deal more time happy than not.
That being said, I grew up with 3 siblings -- 2 others also adopted, one brother, one sister; and one "sister" (legal title only) who was the bio-child of our a-parents. In adulthood, we (the 2 younger adopted sisters) refer to our adopters as HER parents/YOUR parents (based on whether we are talking 'to' or 'about' her, Golden Girl). I have had no contact with older adopted brother for more than 3 years despite the fact that, until 7 months ago, we lived 5 minutes apart. In childhood, we 3 adopted 'ganged up on' and hated "Golden Girl" most of the time. The times she did have an ally, it was the oldest/only brother... who was her senior by only 11 months (in other words, he was the one whose adoption made her birth possible... the "infertility cure").
I grew up WITHOUT: 3 siblings (1 sister and 2 brothers) by Mom and 2 siblings (both sisters) by Dad. Mom's other 3 kids are all full siblings to each other but not to me. Dad's 3 girls (me included) each have a different mother. In truth, I couldn't have "grown up" with Dad's youngest as she will be 2 years old next month and I am 37 years old. Mom's 4 (me included) were all born inside a 10 year span -- so we would have grown up together, had she raised me.
Here's the 'killer' to me... or at least to my emotional well-being: ALL of Mom's kids are far happier, far more educated and far better adjusted than I am. I feel I am most similar to my middle brother, the middle of her kept 3, and I would give anything to 'go back' and grow up with him... in reality, with all of them. I love them so much and I miss them every day. I was just chatting with both my sister and middle brother yesterday. It makes me ache that they are so far away and that I missed out on living in their family... which is MY family.
What all of this means... I have no idea. In the end, it just makes me terribly sad.
p.s. Dad's middle daughter (after me, before baby K) doesn't know about me. We've obviously never spoken or met. I don't know what growing up with her might have been like -- BUT I still miss her... she is my sister. The baby, and her Mom (Dad's current wife) do know about me and we are acquainted. I miss them all, too. :-(
👍 242 | 👎 7
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I don't think it matters it's all in the individuals mindset. I grew up with one brother my parents bio son. He is and always was a good brother to have. I have 3 other bio brothers 2 of whom I was with until I was a little over 2 one who I never knew. I don't remember either of the two I was with. Met one once which was more than enough. I grew up well adjusted and happy. I don't miss them never have can't miss what you don't remember. My parents also did foster care so there were kids in and out of our house all the time.
So to answer you question I don't think it matters. It is all in how one perceives their life and how they view their adoption. Many are well adjusted and don't have problems with the fact that they were adopted regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or whether they had siblings, while others seem to be miserable about it. It is the makeup of each individual. Some I think if they weren't adopted would still be unhappy about some aspect of their lives. Some people look for the bad in life while others look for the good. So I think a lot of it depends on how a person views life in general and how they handle things the good the bad and the ugly
👍 100 | 👎 -2
In our case, our three children are separated from their one older sibling. We have tried contact, but in the end, they live in our house and the one girl lives with other parents. The differences in how the children have grown and the "issues" the children are dealing with are staggeringly and alarmingly different. The sister not with our children is having what I would consider the roughest lives possible. She is going through things that make me ache.
My children go through things, lordy to they ever, but not like that. I am sure some of it is our parenting, but we are certainly not super parents, and I do think the number one difference is that they have each other. They have blood siblings around. This is their shared history, the first few years while horrible, the children experienced them together. They were separated for two years, and lord help me we had to fight to bring all three in, they really thought the eldest should be adopted separately, and those who know me know there have been days early on where I might have agreed, but the difference between him then and now makes me go "holiy crap" sometimes. And I think that it does help being connected to us, but I think 100% if, for example, we just had him and not the other two, he would not be where he is. Siblings are their lifeforce, they ahve each other.
I don't know if this means later they will be "ungrateful" (I am sure you are using that word quoting others), or I don't know how they will feel when they are older, but I do know they have each other to get through it.
That is just our kids, I can't speak for anyone else.
👍 94 | 👎 -11
I grew up with brothers and sisters. I'm not so sure my attitude towards adoption was as a result of that but it certainly didn't hurt it at all.
👍 88 | 👎 -20
In total I have 10 siblings: 5 I grew up with in my adoptive family, 3 of whom are my aparents older bio children; 2 to my first father who I have never met; and 3 to my first mother and who I have known for 8 years. Im pretty sure you know how I feel about adoption.
👍 82 | 👎 -29
I had one brother who was also adopted, and then one sister, who was my ap's bio child. And yes, my brother and I hated her. ;)
👍 76 | 👎 -38
Originally Answered: I can't be happy for my sister in law's pregnancy because she wasn't happy for mine. What should I do?
Was your SIL having trouble conceiving. If she was this explains A LOT in regards to her behavior. When someone is struggling with the ability to conceive and then a relative, sister, or friend gets pregnant without planning and unbelievable ease it creates jealousy and a feeling of inadequacy for the woman who is unable to easily get pregnant. You may not even know if she was having issues (This is a very private thing).
Your child has been around for at least 5 months so he is “Old News” They still love him and probably are VERY excited about this Christmas, but they also can’t wait to share it with their other grandchild as well.
You need to speak with your SIL about what happened when you got pregnant. You are refusing to be happy for her out of spite. There could be real reasons why she pulled back and it would really help your relationship with her if you talk to her about it. It needs to be addressed, but in private (just the 2 of you) and as adults. If you are concerned about your MIL treating your Son differently with her daughters child in the picture then you should speak to her as well. But once again, in private and just tell her you are worried and you want to make sure that all of the grandkids grow up feeling equally loved by their Gram and Pap!