Originally Answered: Can anyone proofread my essay for me?
This is a rant, pretty well disguised but still a rant. I would leave proof reading for those who get paid for it. There is so much potential here, mainly because you have a purpose in writing There are certain points that I do find worrying, you come across as dehumanising. It might not be intentional but that is how it is coming across. This is a pity because you demonstrate that you are capable of writing well
There is no reason as a writer why you shouldn't be really cruel and turn the knife. You should write for yourself and explore a few 'what ifs' Often a writers stock in trade. I have taken an incident from your story and retold it just to demonstrate what can be done. If it doesn't quite ring true, that is because I am white and British. and writing from impressions. People prefer to pay to read writings from experience. All you have to do is to give it that twist so they want to read, but that has to come from you and not even your beloved Mrs Janet Woodcock can impress it upon you.
The Eyes of the Law
The pigs were front feet in the trough snuffling and snorting with glee. Blue eyed and cascading blonde hair Mary Beth had her purse snatched. Of course I didn't have it. The fact I had never had it didn't seem to worry them. They had their witnesses, so I was herded into the Courtroom
The Judge was an impressive figure, with mighty jowls and chins that rolled down to his chest. I could just seem him trying to work out how many years to sentence me even before the case was heard.
'And can you identify the man who done it?' inquired the attorney
'Yeah' squeaked the pig pointing at me
'How can you be sure' lead the attorney
'Because he is black'
At this chins almighty began to wobble. His mouth seemed to open and shut before any words came out.
'In the eyes of the law I am black'
The whole courtroom looked at the judge as if he had uttered a heinous blasphemy
'But yooz white' squealed the pig stating the obvious
'As if I didn't know' rumbled the chins sonorously 'It is in the eyes of the law that I am black and for that matter – so are you.'
The poor man trembled in horror; like a vicar who has been condemned to hell.
The gavel banged down and the words 'Case dismissed' rang round the courtroom